• 24-hour Appointment 6445-5999     
• English  |  
• 中文

Home Events Shanghai's tormented teens

Shanghai's tormented teens

Alcohol abuse is one of the major problems facing expat teenagers in Shanghai.

It is 11 pm and you are home wondering where your teenage children are and what they are doing. You are not alone. Across Shanghai, many expat parents are thinking about their children late into the night. What worries them most is that they know what Shanghai has to offer. It is a city, where liquor is cheap and unregulated, drugs can be easy to buy and sex is obtainable at "massage parlors" only a few blocks away, no matter where you are located.

Australian Robyn Smith and American Alicia Bollesen are two expat mothers in Shanghai who want to stay ahead of the game and the dangers. Both are happy that their children are, so far, well adjusted. Their kids do not use drugs and they do not cause trouble. Still, when Smith and Bollesen had the chance to attend a talk by Parkway Health's Dr Tim Kelly on "Understanding Your Teenager," they jumped at the opportunity. "I have a 13-year-old daughter, who thinks she knows everything, and I thought this might be of assistance," Smith said of Kelly's talk. Smith also has an 11-year-old daughter.

"I learned a few things, but mainly I found that I'm doing all right," she said afterwards. What made her feel better was hearing from other parents at the talk. About 50 people packed out the lecture room, and anxious parents listened and questioned intently.

The calm Bollesen, a mother of a 14-year-old and a 12-year-old, was among the people at the talk. Though she thinks Shanghai is a "great place," she has reservations about the city and raising teenagers here. She is well aware that Shanghai expat families face special challenges.
"They're very privileged children," Bollesen said of the children of expat families. "Many have access to drivers and money. They have the means to do things and money to spend in more different ways than they would if they were at home."

Kelly agrees that foreign families must deal with issues here that might not be encountered in their home countries.

"Given the stress of relocation to Shanghai, the pace of life here, and the academic and social pressures inherent in various Shanghai private schools, parent-teen struggles are commonplace. Often families find that whatever were vulnerable points before coming to Shanghai, like arguments about curfews and homework, become exacerbated here," Kelly says. He adds that the same is true for marital issues; whatever troubles exist between husband and wife become worse upon living in Shanghai.

Increasing conflicts

Kelly says that teenagers face special troubles when they cannot fit in easily here. Expat schools have their own culture, which is "fairly homogenous," even though these schools are attended by children from many different countries. When a teen does not find a comfortable place in school, he or she may enter a spiral, which means friends could be increasingly difficult to make and grades could worsen.
"If this continues unabated, it can lead to increasing conflicts in the home and depression, which can include cutting, and panic attacks. In these cases, it's important to help the teen find out who he or she ‘really is' and let them express themselves in ways that work well for them," he said. This may include finding different friends, interests and activities.

Though the dangers for teenagers are great, Kelly is optimistic that problems can be resolved, though it is not easy.

"Expat families need to recognize that the ‘expat package' does not mean life will be a breeze in Shanghai," Kelly said.

Families, in fact, need to work harder at creating a good family life that will benefit all. This being the case, parents must try to avoid workaholic schedules that may keep them busy for 70 to 80 hours a week, so they can be "at home" moms or dads making every effort to reach out to and listen to their children.
According to Kelly, reasonable expectations for teenage behavior should be set for homework being done, being home on time and keeping in touch when out. A parent should not, however, overreact when something goes wrong.
"As long as the teen is talking respectfully with his or her parents, the outlook is good. If the teen shuts down and isolates, the situation gets more difficult. Parents of teens must remember that even if teens appear surly at times, they actually want and need appropriate parental input. One thing that always helps is for parents to find fun things to do with their teens," he said.

At the "Understanding Your Teenager" talk, Kelly recounted the way, in which he was able to communicate with his son through playing pool. He made a point to listen and make himself a comfortable person with whom to talk, making sure not to probe or try to solve problems but just to "chill and enjoy one another without trying to solve problems."

Whereas a game of pool might be appropriate for a son and father, other activities might be better for mothers and daughters. A mother and daughter might connect through shopping, Kelly said. And if the daughter does not want to go shopping with the mother, the mother might employ minor psychological warfare to make this bonding experience happen. She may, for example, tell her daughter that the only way she will get good new clothes is if they shop together. If the daughter agrees, she is likely to warm to her mother. Shared interests work wonders in pulling people together.

Fighting period

The danger of leaving problems without resolution is great, Kelly said. Depression, panic attacks, drug and alcohol use, risky sexual behavior, and the threat of harm to themselves or others are just some of the problems that might arise.

Shanghai psychologist Ai-Ching Liu chimes in on parent-teenager issues.
"A common problem for teens everywhere is how to overcome awkward feelings," Liu said.

"Teens are in a period of fighting for self-identity and peer acceptance. There are a lot of dilemmas going on in their minds. For example, they want to think and behave like adults but in the meantime, they think the adult world is outdated and ridiculously biased."

Teenagers are contradictory beings, as they fear alienation from their peers but also struggle to achieve individuality, according to the psychologist. "They want independence but they still need help from parents or carers. They want to be their own masters but they are not ready or reluctant to take responsibility," said Liu. 

Liu points to Internet addiction as a "major concern everywhere" that is especially difficult as most parents of teenagers did not have a similar problem when they were that age.

Parents also have to deal with moody children struggling with adjusting within social groups.
"These are not easy issues to resolve, for parents or children. Things are easier, however, when parents have a good relationship with each other," the psychologist said.

According to Liu, teens know exactly what is going on in their families. If parents lack the ability to tell teens the reality of the family situation, this may cause teens emotional problems, which can lead to antisocial behaviors.

"When parents do not know how to resolve their marriage problems, it causes pressure on teenage children. Teens may start to avoid their parents and isolate themselves. As well as hormonal changes, teens are under the influence of the Internet and their peers. Parents become less and less influential and this creates parent and child tensions."

Drug dealers

Problems are exacerbated by living in Shanghai, according to Liu.

"Expat teens in Shanghai are facing not only the usual problems but also adjustment problems. Especially for teens with special needs, parents struggle with fewer resources to help their children. Drug use is an issue. Because of their expat status, teenagers can easily become the target of drug dealers," Liu said.

Shanghai teens are in need of friends, as are teenagers everywhere, but they often have difficulty as they are often not in Shanghai for a long period. If they are shy, it may be especially difficult to create friendships in the short time they live here. This may cause frustrations and anger, according to the psychologist.

Shanghai, with its materialistic culture, can cause other problems. Some students in international schools are extremely wealthy. Others may have families that are not nearly as rich as the classmates who flaunt their wealth.
"Teens may become jealous or frustrated because of this," Liu said.

For families, who are having trouble with teenagers, Liu offers nine suggestions:

• Never minimize the seriousness of any obvious or hidden issue.
• Never overreact to these issues.
• Deal with absent father issues.
• Deal with marriage issues.
• Find help as early as possible.
• Don't try to justify the decision to come to Shanghai.
• Always respect your children - teens need to grow from trial and error.
• Be empathetic to their awkward feelings.
• Teens should be part of the family decision-making process.

Empathy is the key in approaching teenagers. In his speech, Kelly reminded listeners that they were all teenagers once. If they think about their own teenage days, parents can go a long way to understanding their children. Then, perhaps, parents can guide their teenagers towards a good life.

Source: By Erick Peterson, Global Times